Dating an ex gay man
Until about six months ago, when my phone buzzed with a text message from a name I never expected to see on my screen again: “Do you want to get coffee? I needed to tell him I was sorry, he needed to tell me how much I had hurt him, and we both needed to hug. Sure, he may have technically had more options than me — he was drawn to men and women, while I was only drawn to men — but that didn’t make him any more promiscuous or untrustworthy than the next guy.
And since this week is Bisexual Awareness Week, and I’m feeling sentimental, I’m reflecting on the lessons that relationship taught me, and the ways I learned from him — because my ex-boyfriend was bisexual. The reality was far from it: He was unbearably monogamous and loyal to a fault.
Three publicly ex-ex-gay people are Günter Baum, Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke.
In April 2007, Toscano and Bakke founded Beyond Ex-Gay, an on-line resource for ex-ex gays.
The whole time I thought, It was childish, but the feeling is understandable: He was clearly attracted to something I would never be able to offer him, and I feared that unmet desire would cause him to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
First of all, porn is fantasy, and although there’s very little I won’t try once (or twice), I to try in real life.
So the action of watching doesn't necessarily translate to “going to go out and do it later.” And even if someone (of any orientation) does want to go out and meet that need, if they’re a good partner, they will talk to you about it first and see what you're willing to accomodate.
From a practical standpoint, it's unrealistic: bisexual people will have to date a gay or straight person at some point, because there simply aren't that many bisexuals out there (although several recent studies indicate there are more bisexuals around the world than we've previously assumed).
He was a true "50-50" bi guy, a lover of men and women, not an “attention-seeker” or a "halfway-there gay man" or any of the ridiculous and offensive claims people make about bisexuals. This led to his heartache, since he was trying to date me, a gay guy who was not monogamously inclined (and still isn’t), a guy who was too immature to say, “Hey, I’m not really looking for a relationship.” This seems basic, but it's unfortunately still necessary to note in an ongoing effort to counteract this bizarre notion that someone who is attracted to multiple genders will inevitably miss having sex with people of the gender they’re not sleeping with, and cheat. For him, as well as for many others, his claim to bisexuality wasn’t a transitional phase or halfway point between straight and gay.
But even if a bisexual person does cheat, it's hardly evidence that bisexuality inclines a person toward infidelity. But I understand where this misconception comes from.
He had every right to hate me, as did all of his friends and all of his family, who welcomed me for a two-week stay one summer when we were together.
Over the course of the breakup, I started a blog called (referring to myself), where I would write about gay life from the perspective of "that guy you probably still hate." Although I'm no longer writing the blog for him, the relationship did, perhaps, help me become a little less beastly.